Visions Of Odd Read online

  We are going into the city, to the anthill. We will carry what is good here and add it to what is good there.

  We will not forget the lessons of our grandfathers’ grandfathers. And we will not forget today’s lesson. It will be better. Everyone will see.

  ***~~~***

  7:

  Ignorance of the Law

  By S.A. Barton

  Copyright 2012 S. A. Barton

  Author’s note:

  This one was just fun. I hope it shows.

  Gods big and small, the nerve of this guy. You're gonna love this one, I can't believe you didn't hear about it yet. No, it was just a couple shifts ago, but still. I guess you bein a rookie, the grapevine don't work so fast for you. Pull up a drink and I'll tell you about it. Oh, crap in orbit, don't order no girly fizz. That's strictly for civilian soft-hands. Hey, Stoneface, get us a couple Rulthan Browns. Make 'em doubles. Pour yourself one an' sit down if you want to hear it straight from the surface yourself.

  That's right. Two saltberries, just like I like it. You're learning, and me only comin here a hundred shifts in a row. Aw, don't get mad, I'm only bustin your pseudogonadal fronds.

  So here I am, out in the boonies. I've just dropped of a watch beacon out by that new frontier post they're setting up, and I got some time to kill so I decide to take the long way home and poke around out where the light don't shine yet. I mean way out. It's not an official beat, so no O.T. for me, but you know by now I got a curiosity bump on me like nobody's business, so it's alright.

  I'm nosin around a little sleepy yellow star, the quiet kind you only find pond scum around. No offense, Stoneface, but you know how it is. Life that thinks around one of those things is rarer than a priestess in a whorehouse. Well, while I'm being nosy, I get a ping on the speed gun outta nowhere. Around civilized parts I might not have looked twice, I was way out on the edge of the system. You know how folks start speedin up before the heliopause when they should know better. It's already past the major planets and there are sure no population centers in sight. Except one, sorta, but I'll get to that. Deserted or not, though, the law's the law and I got nothin' better to do. Out this far who knows what kinda shenanigans might be goin on anyhow, so I blip the lights at 'em on all freqs and hit em with an active sensor ping a blindworm couldn't miss.

  What I get back makes my optic fringe go all frizzy. What this guy is runnin ain't hardly a step up from a wagon with a beast of burden up front. No emissions control, no EM noise baffle, not even a spacetime fabric wearguard. Rig like that's got no right of way beacon, no locator squawk, or registry goes without sayin. I mean it's a real baling wire job. Fella can't even see me and I'm all lit up.

  Junior, pipe down and take another drink. Whaddaya mean, how's that possible? I'm tellin you the story, ain't I? So sit still and I'll get to it. Kids these days got no patience, not even for a simple cop yarn, ain't that right Stoneface? They want everything up front. Not nearly so interesting that way, you'll learn.

  So this Sunday driver, he can't even see me like I was saying. I trip my situation alert and tack on the red flag, 'cause this one's a weird one. He's hummin along pretty slow, about 50 lights and I think it's kind of funny he's running way to fast for in system, but doesn't speed up any when he crosses the heliopause. I'd expect him to bring it up to a real traveling pace, but no, he just keeps steady. If he was in a shipping lane I'd have had him for obstructing traffic flow on top of the rest, but nobody's shippin nothin out here. Since he's holdin steady I take it easy and bring it up to 250 to overtake and leave the flashers goin. Figure I'll give myself time to catch a flick and a nap before I gotta deal with this guy. I set the autoalert for sensitive. This guy don't look like much at all but why take a chance? Somethin this weird I got no way to tell if he's runnin heavy and I just can't see it. Might have a mass driver on him if nothin else.

  After the AI wakes me, I still got some time to kill like I planned. He hasn't changed vector or velocity, no sign he knows I'm in his backyard. I try getting him on the horn a few times and let the AI run it through a bunch of antique protocols. Finally get him on-- get this!-- radio band. Yeah, real radio like a 5th year school project. Half a step up from a smoke signal. He starts tryin to talk back in a cone, hardly even directional at all. He's usin some lingo so off track even the AI's never heard of it, a real local yokel we got. So I throttle back to pace him a few heartbeats back and let the circuits jibber-jabber with him until it can translate. Once we can talk I tell him to cut propulsion and I come alongside, pop up a field and gas it so we can talk face to face. At least he's breathing a pretty standard oxy mix so I don't have to put on a bubble, thanks for small favors. I walk over and knock on his door with my billy. I can see him through the porthole, his eyes are tryin to grow stalks they're buggin out so big. He gets hold of himself after a few beats, and starts gatherin stuff up. I'm startin to think he's gonna come out blazin, so I power up my vest and set my billy to deep fat fry, y'know what I'm sayin. But it doesn't go down bad at all. Hell, this is the funniest part.

  He pops out with a little engraved brass plaque like he's givin me the Spiral Award for lifetime achievement and goes on this big long spiel about this historic occasion and that peaceful intent and gods all know what else.

  While he's exercising his mandible, I write out his ticket. Somewhere along the line the AI twigs me to the fact he's sayin he reps the whole planet like some kinda ambassador. Makes sense I guess, turns out his little buggy is the first and only his people got.

  Yeah, you heard me right. A whole-planet effort, their first job. Which explains a lot, right? I almost feel guilty, but I finish up the ticket and hand it to him when he winds down. He takes it slow and deliberate, like I'm forkin over the holy of holies, and then he-- hold on a beat-- he...

  Oh, gods, I'm dyin and I already told this a hundred times.

  He hands me the little plaque like we just sewed up the treaty for galactic peace! I can't help it, I crack up right in his face. I mean I'm cryin. I go down on one knee and all I can think of is I'm glad I don't have eyes like you guys, I'd be blind from the tears. It must be a hundred beats before I can catch my breath and straighten up, and I can read enough of his body language to see he's starting to get wise, and he don't like it. We're both land-dwelling, oxy-breathing omnivores, we got enough in common for the basics to come through.

  He knows what laughing looks like. Before I can say a word he comes out with “what's so goddamn funny?” That sets me off again. I can tell you his people start to turn color when they get mad. So I know I gotta explain to the poor schlub before he gets mad enough to take a poke at me. I really don't want to run him in, he and his got enough troubles already.

  I explain why I pulled him over and go through the charges. Exceeding the speed limit within the heliopause of an inhabited solar system. Reckless endangerment of a species, because the sentient life in the system is all holed up on just one rock. Hit it with a translight craft and that's all she wrote. All the equipment violations. I don't just have to explain the charges, I got to explain what the equipment even is. I show him how to find his court date, and I explain to him since he's claiming ambassador status, he's gotta go to a special court. I show him the address on the back of the ticket and circle it for him. I'm bendin over backwards for this geek, I even give him my pocket calendar so he can keep track of his court date. He don't even know how to tell time!

  I'll wait for you, kid. Laugh all you need to. Gods know how I didn't laugh more than I did, this guy was a real sad sack. Here, take a little drink. Deep breath.

  I figure, I'm out in the middle of nowhere, I'm not on any hard schedule, I got a few thousand beats before I really, really gotta be back. So I take my time, we sit down and break bread, and I start givin him a crash course in civics. He about has a heart attack when I tell him where the court is. It's a real mess, turns out he was driving his buggy at fu
ll speed. It'd take him ten times longer to get to court than he's got to get there. I tell him call and explain. He asks how. All their comms are electromagnetic, they don't know anything else. I tell him about the fines and how to prepay them. Takes the AI a while to work out how to convert to his system of energy measurement. Cry me a river, they don't even got foam. He's running a fusion pile, fer the sake of the gods, that's what his race uses for power. That's another ticket right there, having one shipboard. Can't have people carrying stuff like that around, especially not where somebody lives. So I gotta explain that one to him, and I tell him out of the goodness of my own heart that it's time to clam up now before I have to write him any more. Then he tells me never mind, if he's getting it straight the fines I'm talking about would take his people a couple of generations to scrape up, and that's if they don't spare an erg for their own use. Who knows how they'd store it, a chemical battery the size of a moon would be my guess the way that conversation was goin. I don't even want to know. I tell him I'm gonna do him a favor and he'll hear from us, put him back in his buggy and let him go on his way. Dropped a few beacons around the outskirts of the system on my way out to warn people not to go in.

  I lined 'em up a public defender, pro bono. Guy should be heading out right about now. Fresh out of the bar exam, but he's a bright kid. His scores were in the top tenth of his class.

  Hicks probably won't even appreciate it.